


I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil

by HyperspaceFairy



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: 1940s, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Female Friendship, Gen, Grieving, Male-Female Friendship, Warlocks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27857581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperspaceFairy/pseuds/HyperspaceFairy
Summary: After the death of her beloved, Tessa Gray leaves London in tears and the fractures of a broken heart, while she lives with her close friend Magnus Bane in Paris, an unexpected visitor arrives.Set before "a deeper love", ghosts of the shadow market.
Relationships: Jem Carstairs/Tessa Gray/Will Herondale (mentioned), Magnus Bane & Tessa Gray, Tessa Gray & Catarina Loss
Kudos: 5





	I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil

Paris, 1938

Tessa woke up crying. It has been a recurrence to wake up crying -or crying in general- these past few months. In a bed which lacked the warmth she had grown accustomed to. The warmth of which will’s body bestowed.

Will- her beloved will. Whom time had claimed at last. After decades of embracing love and happiness with his wife, Parabatai and children. Looking back , how will believed he was cursed to be unloved or love anyone without causing them their doom. How wrong he was for a plenty of people -most Shadowhunters and few downworlders- mourned the loss of a unique man, an elite Shadowhunter, a devoted Parabatai, a loving husband and cheerful father.

She had always known that such time would come, When the bitter truth of her immortality would finally uncover itself. when Will would go to a place she was incapable to follow.

what she had not known was the amount of the grieve she was bound to endure. it felt like suffocating underwater and the only way to the surface is blocked by a frozen shield. it didn’t feel like being ripped apart in half but as if her soul was being shredded into pieces and every piece of hers would burn and leave nothing but ashes.

she tried to get off the bed and wipe the tears’ stains. it was late after all, and she didn’t particularly fancy Magnus coming to her room to wake her and witness the state she was in, she caused him enough inconvenience. While she washed her face and dressed herself in a plain white blouse and a waist up trousers, she pictured jessamine scolding her for wearing such a plain clothing as she always did at the institute (though Tessa couldn’t actually see or hear her, her children were very much of use delivering the message).

Oh her children! how they must be grieving for their late father who loved them fiercely and to whom they returned the love as well. she felt sometimes a tad guilty for leaving London. however, she didn’t have the ability whatsoever to roam the endless corridors and rooms of the enormous shadowhunter’s institute, without mentioning how most shadowhunters concluded that by her husband’s demise she had lost the right to walk among other nephilim not as if she regard such matter with interest. she didn’t long to be among nephilim anyway. except for one who owned the other half of her heart, but yet he was not available in the current time.

heading downstairs she paused at the threshold, magnus wasn’t alone as she had anticipated; sitting across the fireplace in a scarlet armchair was another warlock. She was lean with snow-white hair even though her face indicated she must be in her twenties, but the most peculiar thing about her was that she was completely and wholly blue, it took Tessa a friction of a second to realise it was her warlock mark. 

“Good morning, Tessa,” exclaimed Magnus “how lovely for you to join us for breakfast today”.

Thankfully, he didn’t mention who rarely Tessa got out of her room. least of all, to have breakfast.

“this is Catarina Loss.” Magnus followed her gaze. “the beautiful blue lady whom you’ve surely noticed”.

Catarina got up from the armchair, and held out her hand indicating a handshake to which Tessa tentatively obliged to, It was the first physical interaction she had with anyone except Magnus for months. “glad to finally meet you, Tessa,” Catarina said smiling. “I heard a lot about you, hopefully Magnus has mentioned me before”.

“he did” answered Tessa truthfully. Magnus had told her about his warlock friends. some who she did know like ragnor fell: the former high warlock of London, and some she didn’t like this Catarina loss but eager to meet nonetheless. 

“I know that I’m late but I wish to offer my condolences to your deceased husband.” Catarina looked grim. “ I don’t have much experience in such a field for I’ve never claimed a heart like that, except for a persistent fiancé who died waiting for me. but I know how a trauma as painful as that impacts the souls”.

Tessa nodded. she didn’t trust her voice to speak. she knew that Catarina meant well. but she couldn’t help but hate it whenever someone mentioned Will’s death as if by pitying her the tightness in her chest would ease, little do they know, it only clenched more. 

tessa sat down next to magnus at the small table and began rubbing some peanut butter on her toast. her stomach felt like lead but she forced herself to swallow some bites. 

A silence stretched around them which magus cut by saying “Now Catarina, It’s not that we aren’t grateful for your visit and comfort but surely you’ve come here for a bigger purpose“.

“Actually I have“ and her voice becomes more serious now. apparently, about to uncover the reason for her sudden visit. she turned to look straight into Tessa’s eyes (she hoped they weren’t bloodshot).

“do you know how most patients deal with the loss of a loved one?”

Tessa shook her head.

“use distraction.“ 

something inside of Tessa flared. she opened her mouth to protest, but Catarina held up her hands and elaborated “let’s agree on something first, by distraction I don’t mean forgetting. that would be an insult to the dead. I meant by a distraction a method to engage into, so the mind can stop grieving temporarily,“ she said all that quite fast as if scared of Tessa’s reaction which was foolish; Tessa was a practical woman and she saw the point she meant.

“and what distraction do you speak of?” Tessa asked.

Catarina chewed her lips before saying, “you know that mundane war is about to open its doors, don’t you ?“ 

“Yes.” 

“and with it death and destruction will follow, the wounded and injured people will be uncountable. so I came here to offer you proposition “ 

“what kind of proposition?“ Magnus asked. Tessa was surprised to detect a hint of protectiveness in his voice. Apparently, he looked at her as a little sister the same way she looked at him as an older brother. the good older brother she wished for, who would look out for her and comfort her when she’d wake up screaming and crying. and that exactly what magnus did and for that she was grateful. 

“there is a shortage in the nurses who would be tending the wounded in London. and as far as I’ve gleaned from magnus and the gossip of the downworld you’re certainly a bright and capable woman and a well-read one as well.”

Tessa felt her cheeks redden at those exclamations. although she knew she was well known among downworlders, (being a warlock with shadowhunter blood and all that) she didn’t know why anyone would mention her obsession of books but she remembered how shadowhunters used to praise her and Will for their enormous library. and she knew where Catarina was going with this. “So-“ 

“Yes, I think that if I taught you the basics and you had excess to all the books and knowledge you need you’d make an accomplished nurse. and I believe that you embrace london as your home so it would be quite pleasant for you to help the needful there.“ Catarina said, and Tessa reckoned she noticed a hint of glee in her face. Apparently the thought of educating a novice nurse was more than appealing for her. “and it also works as a distraction as I mentioned before, so what do you say?“ 

a nurse. to help and heal people, just like the silent brothers.  
Just like Jem.  
Jem who owned the half of her heart which Will didn’t and won’t. Jem whom she didn’t encounter since that dreadful day. when he played the violin at his Parabatai’s deathbed. she didn’t blame him for his scarce appearance, everyone mourns differently. but she couldn’t help but feel disappointed. she always believed they would be in this together.  
bear this burden together.  
but jem was sensible, he surely had reasons. and she was patient, she would wait for him.  
she would always wait for him . 

“Yes, I think it’s a good idea“ Tessa announced, feeling something more than the melancholy she had been drowning in for so long.

“well that certainly demands a party. a grand valediction party full of people and drinks and music,” sang Magnus with excitement, a party had always been a different sort of magic for him. Tessa winced at the thought of roaring crowds and deafening songs. a party wasn’t very appealing to her anymore.

Apparently, Magnus noticed the grimace in her face because he hasty said “ or perhaps not a party just ... err.. a small celebration, just among us , eh?”

Both women shrugged, which Magnus took as his cue to prepare the drinks. and after a few hours of drinking and talking and exchanging endearments. Tessa said that a journey–even by a portal–wouldn’t be very safe in a hangover. so after bidding Catarina farewell who promised to come back in the morning and escort Tessa to London, and exchanging good night with Magnus. Tessa climbed to her bed looking forward to the next day for the first time in nearly a whole year.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to hear your criticism.


End file.
